THINK. AGAIN.

I was always depressed. Even now, at times, I have moments where I wanted to harm myself as an act of punishment. Right now, I’m having trouble sleeping, and I get these negative thoughts in my head. Whenever I’m alone, my OWN thoughts bring myself down. I can go from happy to depressed in one split second…..Pathetic, right? I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I’m bipolar or something.

And no. I’m not an attention seeker. I just thought that since this was MY blog, I could express everything that I want, but couldn’t because I KNEW this would cause a lot of drama outside of Tumblr. 

People change. Everyone does. But the sad thing is, is that it doesn’t happen TOGETHER. So, I was left. Forgotten…

No one saw the pain in my eyes. Or how I flinch every time someone says the word “cut”.  I used to cut myself because I felt the pain and nothing else was on my mind besides the fact I was bleeding. I guess it made me feel better to cut myself. To at least be distracted for a little while before reality dawned itself onto me. I also did it to punish myself. Punish myself for what happened. Why they left me. Maybe it was my fault. So I cut myself every night. Lying in my bed. Alone. I bottle up my feelings. Every day. Every night. I’m ashamed to say that even now, at times, I cut myself.

I just want to be free. I want to be free of false appearances and everything horribly fake and forced. And maybe the paranoia and the nightmares and the voices that creep from the shadows when I lie awake at night would cease to exist. I just want to be free.

“nobody said it was easy. no one ever said that it would be this hard”. i guess that’s life. it rains on people that deserve to see the sun shine. as of now, I’ve been battling through an eating and sleeping disorder for 8 whole months and I’m still going through with it. sure, I’ve thought of suicide countless of times, but then i would always realise that a lot of people will get affected by my death.

Right now, in the present, I feel so much better. Sure, I have occasional depressing moments. But everyone has their ups and downs. My scars are healing now. I feel like I can start clean this time, you know? And looking back to all that, I realised that attempting suicide or self harm is NEVER the answer to your problems.

If you died. Do you honestly think that no one would care? Have you ever thought of your parents? They would be so hurt to pass by your room everyday, knowing that you are no longer in this world. How about your friends? you would cause so much pain to them. you were their support. To leave them would just…really crush them. On Friday 16th March, a beloved friend of mine, took her own life. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t talk, I was done for. I promised her that we would meet again sometime soon, but now that promise will forever be unaccomplished. Do you know how guilty I felt? To have not fulfill that wish to her? I was so lost. As if there was, in no way, that I could ever be okay.

But honestly, I can say that its not worth it. Your body is beautiful. So don’t harm it with scars! I promise life will get better. You do not need to harm yourself. Always remember there is someone out there to help you. I promise life will get better.

If you EVER need someone to talk to. I’m here. I’ll always be here. I know what it’s like to be put in those situations. I know what it’s like to go through SO MUCH, and have no one to be with you/guide you/help you along the way. You can even go on anon if you like. I’ll be here to listen. No judgement. <3

Also, check out, “the thoughts room” —> http://thequietplaceproject.com/thethoughtsroom/?page=thethoughtsroom&lang=